think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I see more hoeing in ur future
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
