He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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