I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
