last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
