Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
