You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
