you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
