I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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