the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
