your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
