my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
