there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
