my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
