We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
