Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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