I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
