You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
