Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
