i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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