Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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