Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize