I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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