quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
