i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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