So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
