Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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