please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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