Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
