she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We were destined to go to rehab together
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
