I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
