I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
