I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
