i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
