If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
