Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
