FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
