If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
