Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I had to cum in my sink.
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