if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
