How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
