finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
