Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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