His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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