apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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