I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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