ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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