just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
