It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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