talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
