The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think I won the penis lottery.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
