He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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