he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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