At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
