Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
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