Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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