Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
