Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
